One Last Job: Kill Dracula!

We played about 3 hours with 3 players (and me) trying to kill Dracula. The game system is “One Last Job.” This is how it went down.

What Happened in London?

The crew thought they had made peace with Dracula as they were operating in his territory, for that job in London. They thought it all went wrong because heists sometimes do that.

What they did NOT realize is that he bribed their astrologer to put in some funny numbers, so when they thought the stars were right, they were wrong as hell. If that’s not enough, he got Eunice Holmes tipped to their case, and she is just implacable when it comes to seam ripping a well-stitched heist.

To top it off, only Dracula knew their backup rendezvous point where they’d meet if it all went wrong. And that’s where they were mysteriously hit the whole take vanished in the blink of an eye.

Nothing went right after that, and nobody talked to each other. The disaster was too hot, and eventually when it cooled, just too painful.

But Dracula just couldn’t keep his mouth shut. He had to brag. He just HAD to. Then word got out. And once word gets out, it’s going to make it to the Egyptian; he’s eccentric as hell, but he’s got the best intel in both the criminal and supernatural underworlds. When he heard Dracula was behind the London fiasco, he had to act.


The Egyptian went to Douglas “Whipper” Belmont first, to get him on board as the one who would face and kill Dracula. As a Belmont, he was pretty much an expert on finding, battling, and destroying vampires.

Belmont and the Egyptian knew they’d be facing an army of vampire brides; in the age of the internet, Dracula set up pockets of brides all over the world, so he could have whatever ethnicity and cultural flavor he preferred a short plane ride away. Each of his safe houses has bride protection. Nobody gets through brides like Ruthven Byron.

Unprepossessing to mortals perhaps, Byron exudes magnetic charm that supernatural creatures cannot withstand. They caught up to him crooning on a stage in Reno, and his show was interrupted by a werewolf leaping onto the stage. The staff were NOT happy, but the audience was trying to work out whether it was part of the act. Byron just kept singing, her anger evaporated, and by the end of the number she was licking him (presumably again.) By the time Belmont made his pitch, Byron was ready to go.

There was the matter of Dracula’s fortress. They found out he would be in Albuquerque, where he was building a steel tower, mighty and tall, and the top five floors would have state-of-the-art security and an army of guards. To get through all that, they needed a fantastically skilled full frontal infiltrator. The best weren’t available, but they knew their old buddy Monsignor “Spider” Flugel was just the acrobatic ninja priest for the job.

Belmont and Byron headed to California, where Flugel had a peculiar Redwood Zipline Mission; those who agreed to get religion were fired down a zipline, had an ecstatic conversion, then got a stipend to spread the word. Flugel and his niece Martha had a brisk pace of shrieking conversions going when the hunters approached. Flugel wasn’t interested at first, but realized going with them was the only way to get them away from Martha; he didn’t like the way she was eyeing the recruiting scoundrels. He did make them promise if anything happened to him they’d take care of Martha. An easy promise to make, and they were on their way to Albuquerque.

The Bridello

A mix of “bride” and “bordello” indeed, the women were dressed in terrible cowboy outfits at a permanent raver party high in the tower adjacent to Dracula’s lair. The hunters blew the door open and came in fighting, using exorcism prayers and kung fu and head butting to cut a swathe through the buxom demonesses.

Byron took out the DJ right away, stealing his ten gallon cowboy hat painted with Cat in the Hat stripes, and swapped out their raver music for his lounge music, arousing the monstrous predators with his violent moves. He tried to break the windows, but it was surprising he failed; that was kind of his thing. Back when they fought the Marquis on his yacht, with his sado-masochistic thugs in powdered wigs, the Monsignor told him that Ophelia was the patron saint of defenestration. Maybe she wasn’t around for this attempt.

After getting kicked around and tossed into a few walls, the Monsignor sprayed the vampire women with holy water from extended beer bottles, then fell back on trying to bless the water in the hot tub to make it holy water, then tip it out to rush across the floor. (His overconfidence may be excused, he pulled off a similar move on the Marquis’s yacht back in the day.) Perhaps there was one too many vampires already in the sauce for it to turn holy so fast.

Finally Belmont confronted their leader, who wore a short short denim skirt and a leather gimp mask under her cowboy hat. After some rousing combat, he chucked her through the window; she turned into a descending comet, only ashes and jewelry reaching the street.

With the brides scattered, they got to work on the next phase of the plan.

Tower Assault

Firing a zip line across to Dracula’s tower, they started on it to get momentum, then cunningly deviated from where security expected them to breach, whipping out patagia on their wing suits and aiming for upper floors!

On the first pass, the only one who could get through the glass was the Monsignor. This was surprising, as back in the day Belmont could have done it for sure; ever since he faced off with Putin in Russia when Putin was just a clerk, he’s been all about the head banging. He was fighting Putin, each move countered, until he headbutted him unconscious in the snow. Ever since then, he tends to start and end fights with his forehead.

Of course, Belmont was just as surprised that Byron couldn’t seem to manage getting through the security glass first try. He was a male nurse at Byron’s birth, and the baby just popped out, had to be caught. (He also mentioned Byron was born with a gold medallion, wearing a shirt open to the navel, but that may be elaboration.)

As the Monsignor fought off the security forces armed with machine guns, he managed to toss a line out the open window to help the others get in; they did, with a vengeance. As Belmont bowled over a line of guards, the Monsignor twirled a brutal ballet through the ranks. However, he soaked up a LOT of gunfire and ended crumpled in a bloody heap.

Byron remembered that the Monsignor used to carry some enchanted blood for healing, and found some in a bullet-creased pocket in the Monsignor’s clothes. He fed it to the Jesuit acrobat ninja, who revived (but did not tell them the effects are temporary at best; he knew the battle with Dracula would be his last fight.)

Meanwhile Belmont rose, woozy from the near misses and head butting. He could tell that something in his brain was bleeding, and it was time to get Dracula or nothing meant anything! He gruffly ordered the hunters upstairs, where the final confrontation waited.

Facing Dracula

They burst in on Dracula in the chapel the evil vampire built to his own ego, complete with stained glass of his finest moments. Since Dracula strives always to assimilate where he lives, he wore an impeccable square dance outfit with a stylish hat, and mocked them in a perfect Texas accent.

The hunters started to make their move, and he laughed as his kung fu master dressed all in red silk with paired kama leaped out to take them on. Fortunately Byron had given Belmont a blessed and enchanted headband with a holy symbol on the forehead, and the monster hunter battered the kung fu master to death with his face.

Byron sailed past him to try and use his stomping boots to take on the master vampire, but he was contemptuously tossed away. On his other flank, the Monsignor closed in and assaulted him with acrobatics, staggering him just enough for Belmont to loom on his other flank and bash him in the face with his blessed forehead.

Dracula’s arrogance proved misplaced as the hunters gathered around him, battering at him, and the Monsignor pulled out a stake with a fragment of the True Cross in it, puncturing  his withered heart! As Dracula staggered, Belmont pulled out a machine built by a descendent of Count Rugen that was designed to contain Dracula’s evil essence so this time, THIS TIME he would not be able to rise again!

Victorious, the hunters slumped down. The Monsignor had some poignant last words, and expired. Belmont realized his whole life had only ever had meaning because of Dracula, his entire line and Dracula intertwined in life and death, and he snuggled up to the vampire’s smouldering corpse as he sobbed, then died. Only a very battered Byron was left to celebrate the hunters’ ultimate victory.

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